Oh, boy.

His name is Brandon Arnold.
We were at one point, together, and happy. Or at least I was...
We broke up January 19th.
I have the tendency of being fresh out of a relationship on that exact date. It's happened for 3-4 years now.

Things that happen when I see him:
I get nervous, and my heart starts to beat uncontrollably...
I forget that we aren't together at times, so I'll accidentally touch his hand.
I unknowingly stare at him.
I'll blabber about anything that comes to mind, and then end with an argument.

I'm so ashamed by all of this. I have feelings for someone that changed me. Possibly not much, but changed feelings of my perspective, indeed.
When I'm around him, I have this huge gaping hole that grows bigger and bigger.
We argue as if we're still in a relationship.

I've never had a best friend...
And I feel that if he ends up becoming mine, I'll never be able to move on.
I don't want to.
I want to be with him.
I want to make him happy.
I want to be happy with him.

When I think about him, I get light-headed and my palms get clammy, and I start almost not breathing because the thought of him is invading my whole mind.
My whole body starts to shake, and my stomach, ready to explode from being tickled to death with so many butterflies. My knees being the weakest target. My heart melting in his hands.


I hate not being able to wake up to him knocking on my door, or him just sitting next to me, or just being in my room and wrestling and him laying on top of me, and just staring at him... only to end my night with a kiss and "I love you with all my heart." When I'm by myself, all I do is cry. Just thinking about someone as special as him.
He's so nice and thoughtful and considerate and handsome and just so, so, so nice.
If I could change one thing about him, it'd be the way he feels about me...