Also, this whole accidentally becoming a bulemic thing is working out well because no one knows I'm an actual bulemic.

I just want to hold the shit out of you and not make it mean anything afterwards.

I really want to cuddle.

My stages of grief.

I'm having feelings that I should've gone through two-three weeks ago from my heavy break up. Either that, or my time has come. I've actually become crazy. And killing myself in less than a year and a half sounds so much nicer as each day passes.

My 4 day weekend.

It should feel like a paradise, but all I've been dealing with is the goddamn U.S. Army at my door 24/7. I'm so tired of police bombarding my fucking house, and just interrupting the nothing I was doing already.
I haven't slept all fucking weekend. I've been yelling for hours on end, with massive, abruptive fighting between everyone in the house.
I have a goddamn doctor's appointment to see a psychiatrist and it better be worth it, as long as my mom doesn't bullshit my story to everyone.
I'm so tired of dealing with everyone.
I'm so tired of people telling me "it'll get better" because I'm not interested in it getting better.
I want it to get better, like, right now.

I hate finding myself stuck in la-la land.

I just imagined him going out his house, driving all the way over here, throwing pebbles at my window, telling me to go out only to have him grab me by my shirt and kiss me.
"Everyone has their reasons, Jen. You're my only reason."
Boom. We're together forever.
-cue happy ending-

BAM*
Hey Jen. reality wants to knock you down again.
Have a nice life being pathetic and clingy.

My power being used for great and good things.

Instead of... well. Ok, this is technically still manipulation, but at least it gets something positive out of itself.
I'm definitely not over him. Won't be for awhile.
Probably never will be.
But being a cunt is the only way he'll stop hurting me.
The only way he'll stop lying.

Two things will possibly be the outcomes of this:
One, of course, would be him seeing me as a heartless bitch so he'll have no love interest in me anymore.
Two, my possible favorite and worst, he'll end up coming back to me because he sees me as different and unusual.

Option two happens a lot more than option one.

I love you. Forever.
I hate me. Forever.

I've deleted this post on 4/16/12.

Cases in what I'll catch myself doing in order to lie myself to pleasure.

Things I'll never be able to say.
These are my thoughts.
Things I'll never ever say.

The way my heart jumps over its own moon.
The way it follows a marvelous rich, yellow road, only to find you.
The way it sways back and forth, reaching the shore.
The way its' tide is pushed away from your sand's edge.
The way it sparks itself into a shooting star.
The way its' strings harmonize from every fragile scar.

I miss your touch.
I miss you so much.
I miss the warm feeling I got in my chest when you'd be near.
I miss having my hand fill the empty nothing you were holding.
I miss holding you tight.
I miss being in your arms.
I miss singing to you, although I hate how I sing.
I miss giving the curve of your shoulder and the front of your chest.
I miss kissing your forehead and telling you everything will be alright after you do something really embarrassing.
I miss staring at the whole world.
I miss kissing you goodbye every last time I saw you, just incase I didn't have the chance ever again.
I miss being able to be your best friend while you were mine, and love each other afterwards.
I miss standing across a room, only to hear the rhythm of your beautiful heart.
I miss your smile.
I miss your gaze.
I miss the way you'd walk.

The one person.

Most of the content of this post has been deleted on 4/16/12.

I would do anything to be the reason your heart melts.

Everytime I see you, seconds before you're far enough, I whisper, "I love you." Just in case you ever hear, it's to remind you that I'll never stop.

Literature and grades.

God fucking damn it.
9 out 10 and just brought my grade down.
My grades are going downhill. FAST.

Oh, boy.

His name is Brandon Arnold.
We were at one point, together, and happy. Or at least I was...
We broke up January 19th.
I have the tendency of being fresh out of a relationship on that exact date. It's happened for 3-4 years now.

Things that happen when I see him:
I get nervous, and my heart starts to beat uncontrollably...
I forget that we aren't together at times, so I'll accidentally touch his hand.
I unknowingly stare at him.
I'll blabber about anything that comes to mind, and then end with an argument.

I'm so ashamed by all of this. I have feelings for someone that changed me. Possibly not much, but changed feelings of my perspective, indeed.
When I'm around him, I have this huge gaping hole that grows bigger and bigger.
We argue as if we're still in a relationship.

I've never had a best friend...
And I feel that if he ends up becoming mine, I'll never be able to move on.
I don't want to.
I want to be with him.
I want to make him happy.
I want to be happy with him.

When I think about him, I get light-headed and my palms get clammy, and I start almost not breathing because the thought of him is invading my whole mind.
My whole body starts to shake, and my stomach, ready to explode from being tickled to death with so many butterflies. My knees being the weakest target. My heart melting in his hands.


I hate not being able to wake up to him knocking on my door, or him just sitting next to me, or just being in my room and wrestling and him laying on top of me, and just staring at him... only to end my night with a kiss and "I love you with all my heart." When I'm by myself, all I do is cry. Just thinking about someone as special as him.
He's so nice and thoughtful and considerate and handsome and just so, so, so nice.
If I could change one thing about him, it'd be the way he feels about me...