I've definitely been feeling sort of ok these past few days.

I'm also considering going to L.A. for Spring Break so I can see Aaron. I have my parent's permission, I just gotta go through with a plane ticket which might be hard since I'm not working these next few days.

I've been emailing my work almost all day and they said once I move out to California, I'll have the same job I have here set for me out there. Cool.

Things I'm able to draw in less than 3 minutes.

I'm so spoiled... I wish I could do things for myself. I will be able to. But for a really short time after I'm 18. I'm just ready to die in California...

Why do you try so hard to avoid me?
I hate you so much.

I'm trying so fucking hard to not do anything stupid to myself right now.
I've never been so drunk.
I've never been so hurt.
I've never been strong enough to stay ok.
I'm going to break really soon.

Fucking thank you Microsoft Word.
Your ability to fuck me over has made me fail my English class for this year.

I don't know if me burping is cute or pathetic now. Hahah.
Oh, well.
I'm definitely not going to work tonight.
FUUUUUUCCCK THAT.
Man.
Also, today's play was really great.
I can't wait for tomorrow night.
It's going to be fantastic.
And since I know a lot of people are going to watch me trying to not drink, I'll bring my own shit and get drunk off of rum.
In which I am right now.
Fuck.
I want to dance.
Or cuddle.
Fucking something.

Last night fucking suuuuucked.

I've never cried so much in one day.

What I miss is having someone to tell everything to. But I hate the human race. I mean, venting out eveything to a blog is wicked because no one reads this. I just hate its obvious inability to hold me or whatever.
I need major empathy.

Today sucked major sauce. I'm discontent with every living thing. And I really hate myself.

Going back to work was probably a really bad idea. I haven't been so out of it in years. I need to actually rest. I'm so physically tired of everything I do, and I'm beginning to slowly fragilize my mentality again. I can fucking feel it.

I have to wait a few hours to make sure I get a good amount of hot water.
And then work.
And then deal with people I hate at school.
Which is everyone, except for like three people.
And then rehearsal.
And the come back home to start all over.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I wonder when I'm going to stop complaining too.

I just e-mailed my old modeling agency...
Let's see what happens now.

There's so much stupid stuff on my old MySpace.

Everybody gets their reason.

"Jen-jen. Devany.
I love you.
I've loved you since we met.
I've always been afraid of showing my true feelings to you, but once I did, I never wanted to stop.
I hope I'm can live up to be as amazing as your pretty little head imagines me to be.
Come back soon."

In which Jaime Castro says one of his famous goodbye's back in '09.

Abscidy. And her braided companion, Devany!

Did you know I'm the most uninteresting thing alive?

I made my own strap for my guitar. Finally.
And it's the coolest thing I've ever made...
PICTURES UP SOOON. :3
I mean, pictures for me.
Because I'm really impressed by my own shit ahaha...
I need to get out more.
That or buy some fucking cigerattes.

Today, he called. Today, I'm having a fantastic day. Hearing his voice for the first time over a year now... man, hahaha.

In two minutes, I should be getting my regular wake up call to work.
Pssssssshhht. I'm gonna eat cookies and milk and watch One Day and cry my ass off.
And then head to school.

Things to actually accomplish tonight -
1) The goddamn essay.
2) Make sure I actually get 1) done.

I feel pretty rebellious tonight. I'm not going heading to work before school.
Fuck that.

Although rain is your only reminder of me, you're a lucky guy to realize it never drizzles one drop.

I think I'll be blogging a lot today.
I'm going to post a few songs I wrote weeks ago.
They'll be up by tonight.
And once I'm done, I'll... uh, vent some more, haha.

Hahahahahahahahaha.
Yeah, I'm pretty crazy.
And bored.
And lonely.
Mostly lonely.
Hahahahahahahahaha.

What I felt in the matter of an hour.

Depressed, confused, self-destructive, manipulative, and it ended with making sure I got my hopes up and... well, today is a lonely day.

I don't know why I'm so discontent with every little fucking thing I do. I can't hide this stupid grin any longer, I don't want to pretend like I'll keep on moving on. I want to wake up and continue playing with pens and lights, not needles and lost might.

Why am I still dealing with all this bullshit? I've had the opportunity to stop making myself suffer. More than once. I keep giving myself a chance but I still have no idea what I'm looking for in order to give me reason enough to stay on.