I do too many drugs.
And my parents know about it.
"Just don't do it in the house."
Ok.
Their thought on letting me do these things - "If we say 'no' to anything you want to do, you'll still do it."
They're partially correct.

But I'm not dead, so that means they're doing something right.
And these therapy sessions aren't doing shit.
Work's hard on me.
And these meds are shredding me to bits.
This is me basically complaining.
I'm also on my period.
Thus the complaining.

"Raise your hand if you're bulemic! Raise your hand if you're anorexic!"
I'm going to hit these girls or something.

Pavlicek is talking to us about things I can relate to.
#Things I will always listen to.

Things to not do- more than 3 percosets. Oh my god, I feel like I'm having a heart attack.

I'm still as lonely as ever. I've grown vacant.

I've definitely been feeling sort of ok these past few days.

I'm also considering going to L.A. for Spring Break so I can see Aaron. I have my parent's permission, I just gotta go through with a plane ticket which might be hard since I'm not working these next few days.

I've been emailing my work almost all day and they said once I move out to California, I'll have the same job I have here set for me out there. Cool.

Things I'm able to draw in less than 3 minutes.

I'm so spoiled... I wish I could do things for myself. I will be able to. But for a really short time after I'm 18. I'm just ready to die in California...

Why do you try so hard to avoid me?
I hate you so much.

I'm trying so fucking hard to not do anything stupid to myself right now.
I've never been so drunk.
I've never been so hurt.
I've never been strong enough to stay ok.
I'm going to break really soon.

Fucking thank you Microsoft Word.
Your ability to fuck me over has made me fail my English class for this year.

I don't know if me burping is cute or pathetic now. Hahah.
Oh, well.
I'm definitely not going to work tonight.
FUUUUUUCCCK THAT.
Man.
Also, today's play was really great.
I can't wait for tomorrow night.
It's going to be fantastic.
And since I know a lot of people are going to watch me trying to not drink, I'll bring my own shit and get drunk off of rum.
In which I am right now.
Fuck.
I want to dance.
Or cuddle.
Fucking something.

Last night fucking suuuuucked.

I've never cried so much in one day.

What I miss is having someone to tell everything to. But I hate the human race. I mean, venting out eveything to a blog is wicked because no one reads this. I just hate its obvious inability to hold me or whatever.
I need major empathy.

Today sucked major sauce. I'm discontent with every living thing. And I really hate myself.

Going back to work was probably a really bad idea. I haven't been so out of it in years. I need to actually rest. I'm so physically tired of everything I do, and I'm beginning to slowly fragilize my mentality again. I can fucking feel it.

I have to wait a few hours to make sure I get a good amount of hot water.
And then work.
And then deal with people I hate at school.
Which is everyone, except for like three people.
And then rehearsal.
And the come back home to start all over.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I wonder when I'm going to stop complaining too.

I just e-mailed my old modeling agency...
Let's see what happens now.

There's so much stupid stuff on my old MySpace.

Everybody gets their reason.

"Jen-jen. Devany.
I love you.
I've loved you since we met.
I've always been afraid of showing my true feelings to you, but once I did, I never wanted to stop.
I hope I'm can live up to be as amazing as your pretty little head imagines me to be.
Come back soon."

In which Jaime Castro says one of his famous goodbye's back in '09.

Abscidy. And her braided companion, Devany!

Did you know I'm the most uninteresting thing alive?

I made my own strap for my guitar. Finally.
And it's the coolest thing I've ever made...
PICTURES UP SOOON. :3
I mean, pictures for me.
Because I'm really impressed by my own shit ahaha...
I need to get out more.
That or buy some fucking cigerattes.

Today, he called. Today, I'm having a fantastic day. Hearing his voice for the first time over a year now... man, hahaha.

In two minutes, I should be getting my regular wake up call to work.
Pssssssshhht. I'm gonna eat cookies and milk and watch One Day and cry my ass off.
And then head to school.

Things to actually accomplish tonight -
1) The goddamn essay.
2) Make sure I actually get 1) done.

I feel pretty rebellious tonight. I'm not going heading to work before school.
Fuck that.

Although rain is your only reminder of me, you're a lucky guy to realize it never drizzles one drop.

I think I'll be blogging a lot today.
I'm going to post a few songs I wrote weeks ago.
They'll be up by tonight.
And once I'm done, I'll... uh, vent some more, haha.

Hahahahahahahahaha.
Yeah, I'm pretty crazy.
And bored.
And lonely.
Mostly lonely.
Hahahahahahahahaha.

What I felt in the matter of an hour.

Depressed, confused, self-destructive, manipulative, and it ended with making sure I got my hopes up and... well, today is a lonely day.

I don't know why I'm so discontent with every little fucking thing I do. I can't hide this stupid grin any longer, I don't want to pretend like I'll keep on moving on. I want to wake up and continue playing with pens and lights, not needles and lost might.

Why am I still dealing with all this bullshit? I've had the opportunity to stop making myself suffer. More than once. I keep giving myself a chance but I still have no idea what I'm looking for in order to give me reason enough to stay on.

Also, this whole accidentally becoming a bulemic thing is working out well because no one knows I'm an actual bulemic.

I just want to hold the shit out of you and not make it mean anything afterwards.

I really want to cuddle.

My stages of grief.

I'm having feelings that I should've gone through two-three weeks ago from my heavy break up. Either that, or my time has come. I've actually become crazy. And killing myself in less than a year and a half sounds so much nicer as each day passes.

My 4 day weekend.

It should feel like a paradise, but all I've been dealing with is the goddamn U.S. Army at my door 24/7. I'm so tired of police bombarding my fucking house, and just interrupting the nothing I was doing already.
I haven't slept all fucking weekend. I've been yelling for hours on end, with massive, abruptive fighting between everyone in the house.
I have a goddamn doctor's appointment to see a psychiatrist and it better be worth it, as long as my mom doesn't bullshit my story to everyone.
I'm so tired of dealing with everyone.
I'm so tired of people telling me "it'll get better" because I'm not interested in it getting better.
I want it to get better, like, right now.

I hate finding myself stuck in la-la land.

I just imagined him going out his house, driving all the way over here, throwing pebbles at my window, telling me to go out only to have him grab me by my shirt and kiss me.
"Everyone has their reasons, Jen. You're my only reason."
Boom. We're together forever.
-cue happy ending-

BAM*
Hey Jen. reality wants to knock you down again.
Have a nice life being pathetic and clingy.

My power being used for great and good things.

Instead of... well. Ok, this is technically still manipulation, but at least it gets something positive out of itself.
I'm definitely not over him. Won't be for awhile.
Probably never will be.
But being a cunt is the only way he'll stop hurting me.
The only way he'll stop lying.

Two things will possibly be the outcomes of this:
One, of course, would be him seeing me as a heartless bitch so he'll have no love interest in me anymore.
Two, my possible favorite and worst, he'll end up coming back to me because he sees me as different and unusual.

Option two happens a lot more than option one.

I love you. Forever.
I hate me. Forever.

I've deleted this post on 4/16/12.

Cases in what I'll catch myself doing in order to lie myself to pleasure.

Things I'll never be able to say.
These are my thoughts.
Things I'll never ever say.

The way my heart jumps over its own moon.
The way it follows a marvelous rich, yellow road, only to find you.
The way it sways back and forth, reaching the shore.
The way its' tide is pushed away from your sand's edge.
The way it sparks itself into a shooting star.
The way its' strings harmonize from every fragile scar.

I miss your touch.
I miss you so much.
I miss the warm feeling I got in my chest when you'd be near.
I miss having my hand fill the empty nothing you were holding.
I miss holding you tight.
I miss being in your arms.
I miss singing to you, although I hate how I sing.
I miss giving the curve of your shoulder and the front of your chest.
I miss kissing your forehead and telling you everything will be alright after you do something really embarrassing.
I miss staring at the whole world.
I miss kissing you goodbye every last time I saw you, just incase I didn't have the chance ever again.
I miss being able to be your best friend while you were mine, and love each other afterwards.
I miss standing across a room, only to hear the rhythm of your beautiful heart.
I miss your smile.
I miss your gaze.
I miss the way you'd walk.

The one person.

Most of the content of this post has been deleted on 4/16/12.

I would do anything to be the reason your heart melts.

Everytime I see you, seconds before you're far enough, I whisper, "I love you." Just in case you ever hear, it's to remind you that I'll never stop.

Literature and grades.

God fucking damn it.
9 out 10 and just brought my grade down.
My grades are going downhill. FAST.

Oh, boy.

His name is Brandon Arnold.
We were at one point, together, and happy. Or at least I was...
We broke up January 19th.
I have the tendency of being fresh out of a relationship on that exact date. It's happened for 3-4 years now.

Things that happen when I see him:
I get nervous, and my heart starts to beat uncontrollably...
I forget that we aren't together at times, so I'll accidentally touch his hand.
I unknowingly stare at him.
I'll blabber about anything that comes to mind, and then end with an argument.

I'm so ashamed by all of this. I have feelings for someone that changed me. Possibly not much, but changed feelings of my perspective, indeed.
When I'm around him, I have this huge gaping hole that grows bigger and bigger.
We argue as if we're still in a relationship.

I've never had a best friend...
And I feel that if he ends up becoming mine, I'll never be able to move on.
I don't want to.
I want to be with him.
I want to make him happy.
I want to be happy with him.

When I think about him, I get light-headed and my palms get clammy, and I start almost not breathing because the thought of him is invading my whole mind.
My whole body starts to shake, and my stomach, ready to explode from being tickled to death with so many butterflies. My knees being the weakest target. My heart melting in his hands.


I hate not being able to wake up to him knocking on my door, or him just sitting next to me, or just being in my room and wrestling and him laying on top of me, and just staring at him... only to end my night with a kiss and "I love you with all my heart." When I'm by myself, all I do is cry. Just thinking about someone as special as him.
He's so nice and thoughtful and considerate and handsome and just so, so, so nice.
If I could change one thing about him, it'd be the way he feels about me...

The "One" That Got Away

Just saying automatically gives off Katy Perry tunage in my brain.
Anyway, wow. Hello lonely blog that I can always vent to and no one will ever see.

Things that've happened in the past few years:
I had a boyfriend, Tommy Bankhead. He... well, I moved to Colorado Springs and am no longer a city girl you can say.

I've had really tough issues with my parents and my struggle to keep myself happy.
I've been getting serious about actually making music these past few days.
I've been cutting a lot more. I've stopped, and that's for sure.
I'm going to forever be in love with a boy that wants nothing to do with me. Hey, sounds like Jaime! Hah.
Anyway, things so far are going great.
Emotionally, anyway.
Sometime this week, I'm heading to a psychiatrist because my parents think I'm the fucked up one.
Drugs, drugs, alcohol, drugs. I'm in the process of getting my permit so I can finally drive myself places.
I've been saving up money for a one-trip ticket to California.
So far, I've got $45. I need more for a car, a place to live in, of course, and school. I'm ready for anything that comes in my way, though. I really am.
I hope this year will end all of my troubled cycles.